- or: we are all going to die, every single one of us. Part 1.

I’ve written this piece about a year ago, and this is how I felt about flying at the time, not much to add. One of my New Year’s resolutions this year however is to overcome my fear of flying. Especially after getting stuck in London for 27 hours thanks to a frozen Eurostar last Christmas and almost getting mad with frustration about it. So now I’ve downloaded Virgin Atlantic’s Flying Without Fear app, and will take on my fears head on with booking a 30 minute flying-course with Sky Trace in Leixlip. Which I am going to take next Sunday. So, if flying a small single-engine airplane on my own does not cure me I don’t know what will. I’ll update you accordingly on my progress in case I should not die.

Here we go again. In an aluminium tube, travelling at 10,000 feet and at bullet speed. And the only thing preventing us from tumbling uncontrollable into certain death is our believe in physics and that burning dinosaur bones generates enough thrust to keep the goddamn thing in the air.

I’ve already ordered a Jim Beam with Coke from the trolley dolley, and The Haunted are blaring from my headphones and are annoying me seat neighbour; but I have to keep my mind occupied, otherwise I’ll go definitively and completely crazy. Every little movement of the plane makes me grab the armrest as firmly as I can, cold sweat it dripping from my forehead. Like Mr. T., I’d need a anaesthetic to make me fall asleep, otherwise I ain’t getting on no plane. I’ve already tried: Valium, Marihuana, beer, whisky, meditation techniques and herbal tea. Nothing works. Maybe joining the mile-high club would distract me enough to make it through the flight. But occupying the toilet on a plane for hours and hours? I’m past that age and performance by now, so until my health insurance is paying a shrink to heal me, I’ll depend on drinking. Drinking on trains. It takes longer, yes, but was has been good enough for the people 100 years ago can’t be bad for me today. At least they have free Wi-Fi on most trains these days.

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